How to Alienate People on Social Networks

Want to reduce your friends/followers on social networks? Want to be universally hated? Just follow my three step programme, and you'll soon be friendless.

A lot of people think you can alienate people with your beliefs. You can certainly get some hate for having a radical opinion, but this is missing the gate blocking your way, because you're too busy admiring the novelty fenceposts. Though some people will take offence at what you believe, they are the minority. If you want to get the majority to hate you for your opinion, you have to work on how you express it.

Below are some handy tips for how to alienate people with your beliefs. Remember, the topic doesn't matter*. Anything will do, as long as it's an opinion. Got an opinion ready? Let's go...**


Step One - Spread the Word: Write a blog-post length piece on your opinion. Ranty and convoluted sentences are a must. Now open Facebook, MySpace and Twitter. Broadcast it on your Facebook status updates and Twitter one line at a time. It will mean you send a new message every few seconds for two minutes, but your opinion is important, so your real friends won't mind.

Send out twenty MySpace bulletins with the same information, just in case anyone missed it on Twitter and Facebook.

Step one isn't enough on its own. Some people will forgive you, especially long-term friends. They'll assume you're going to let it drop now it's out of your system.


Step Two - Expand on the Topic: Now you're ready to make a blog post. Don't worry if it goes against your blog topic. Keep posting new posts about your opinion topic. Remember, you mustn't mix it up with on-topic posts for your blog. Otherwise, your blog readers might miss your opinion. Telling people once is never enough. It's like adverts... they only sink in after the seventh time. Something like that anyway.


Step Three - Smite the Elitists: Anyone who has just un-friended you is intolerant, elitist and not worthy of your time. So unworthy of your time that you should spent some time ranting about it. They obviously can't take opposing points of view. Why else would they remove you?

Your blog readers have vanished. The elitist scum couldn't take your opposing point of view either. Be sure to blog about it, so they know how much you hate them.

Anyone who calls you a spammer or says you've become obsessed is lying. They don't want to admit their real motivations. Remember to name and shame the main offenders, especially if you've been friends with them for awhile.


Optional Step - I Dare You: Dare people to delete you from their friends for disliking your opinion. Guilt trips are also great. Let people know that you know they hate you. If you have to post about an unrelated topic, make it clear you're only doing it because your friends are hating on your opinions.

Thank a few people for sticking by you. You might be able to persuade them to send out some links to your blog or retweet one of your messages. That way, you can reach people outside your network. Don't worry. You'll upset your remaining friends on the next cycle round.

This step can be inserted after any of the other steps. Some people like to send out their fifty Twitter messages first, then tell people to delete them if they don't like it. Others wait until they've reached step three.


Repeat: Go back to step one with a new opinion. Keep going till you run out of friends.

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* You can't predict what will press those angry buttons. I had someone send me a nasty email because my dragon site includes myths where the dragon dies. I lost a bunch of Twitter followers (and got my first 'icky' rating) for posting my favourite old sci fi programmes.*** You could start an argument on which Teletubby was coolest. It doesn't have to be religion and politics.

** If you do follow these guidelines, I take no responsibility.****

*** I admit it, I failed in both of these examples. I didn't rant about it or send out multiple messages. I have mentioned it here, but note my unsuitable use of language. Where are the all caps sentences? The abundant exclamation marks?

**** These steps are taken from observing people on social networks. The credit goes to them. The best users of these steps can alienate anyone, even someone who agrees with their opinion.