Brand or be Branded

The idea of developing a brand isn't new to me. I've had to do so for 'The Dragon Stone'. Over the years, I came to understand how others viewed the site. Changes in the layout, appearance and name were made to emphasize the desired brand: that of an educational and useful site. This was over the undesired brand: a site run by a crazy person.

I'm not saying the undesired brand doesn't have merit, but if visitors think that at first glance, they aren't going to trust the information.

My personal brand is not something I've though about before, but it's something I've been doing. I've noticed that most of my social profiles are natural colours and I use that shiny mushroom avatar everywhere. Does it reflect a delicate balance of calmness and eccentricity? Maybe I'll know by the end of this blog.


Branding Goals

Jenn Stark does the whole personal branding thing for authors, so I tried to follow the advice in this article about 'Goal Setting for You and Your Brand'.

I chose the core brand of 'happy mushroom', which eventually led to me re-writing this year's goal as:

"Happily mushrooming my way into publishing, by getting a happy shorter-than-a-mushroom story published".

I brainstormed the writing words that went with my core brand: mushroom, toadstool, fungus, athlete's foot, happy, cheerful, bouncy, yaying, laughing, lolcats, kittens, yay!, little green aliens, radishes. At this point, I realised I got it wrong and I wasn't supposed to do that.

Then there's shadow branding, the evil arch-enemy of your brand. I chose "Clueless Snail" (my previous blog post explains that). The reverse of that is "Educated Octopus". I lost track of how I was supposed to use that to combat my shadow brand, so I drew an octopus.

I understand the bit about celebrating my clueless snail side. I can just write stuff and not worry about where it's going. And eat cucumber.

This reminds me of the leadership training I went on, whilst I was a girl guide leader. They had trainers who were experts in enthusing. All this brand brainstorming reminds me of enthusing. It makes you very enthusiastic, but you're not quite sure why.


Emotional Velcro

'The Basics of Authoring Branding' was much simpler. I understood this. The steps were also laid out in a way I could understand.

One of the visual aspects of brand is 'what your professional photos look like'. This is scary to me. Mostly because it's scary to you. I hate cameras. As a result, I always look as though I'm about to grab the camera and smash it into tiny bits. Somehow, I don't think photos of me scowling darkly at the viewer works with my whole brand image thing. I'm no horror writer. My cunning plan to get around this is to disguise a camera as a My Little Pony so I won't know it's there.

Moving on to what the main steps in the article were, most authors and authors-to-be can work on networking with people. Emotional attachments tend to spontaneously appear if you do that, unless you're very grumpy. Developing a unique voice in your writing should be possible too. Winning awards is something that'll have to wait for publication. But I understood the article. That's the main thing.


My Brand?

One trouble I can see with branding for aspiring authors is that it's happening without advice. You don't have a PR person to work on your personal branding. No one critiques your brand, despite the fact it will be a factor in a long term career. The last thing you want is for your core brand to be 'knowledgeable crime-writer' and for other people to think it is 'pretentious know-it-all'.

You can't ignore the brand issue. It will happen to you. Your readers, the publishers, the media... everyone will brand you. There's something to be said for having some control over that, so that it's a brand you can live with.

What's my brand? I'm not entirely sure, because I didn't really plan it. What do you think of when you see that shiny mushroom? I've been branded already, just like the cows. Only I'm a bit smarter and I don't have horns.

First Pages on the Rampage

There are many sorts of insanity. One is where you draw people as mushrooms and ramble about sentient fire alarms. Another is where you offer to do a first page contest, knowing you could end up with 500+ entries. The latter is Nathan Bransford style insanity.

Still, his morale meter shows him as being alive. Alive is good.

I have mixed feelings about the contest. I've entered and I'm sure it'll be fun. Some people are aiming to write comments on every entry, which'll be interesting. My main gripe is some of the motivation behind choosing this contest. Nathan didn't pick it - his readers did. There were options that would have meant everyone wrote something new, such as a prompt contest where people continue from a starting sentence. Instead, one was chosen that allowed people to send in part of their current novel. I can't help but feel that some people hoped the first page contest was a short cut to getting represented by him. Hopefully there aren't too many tears before bedtime.

I don't have a snuggly baby that I'm hoping an agent will snap up. I did have a rough outline of an opening scene I wrote a month or so back. I've turned this into a first page and submitted it. It isn't as polished as some of them (I wrote it in an evening instead of five years, so that's not much of a surprise), but it seemed more in the spirit of things to write something new.

Anyway, here it be. The working title is 'The Moondial' for reasons that won't become apparent after reading it. It's probably aimed at upper middle-grade. You might wonder why, in a contest full of adult and young adult pieces. Here's my theory: Nathan's brain will be mush by the time he reaches my entry. Simple will be good. Maybe I should have taken more of the big words out.

The Moondial - The First Page Awakes

Charles examined the large crate carefully, looking for a hole. He found one and poked the stick through it. His reward was the sound of hooves shuffling to avoid the prodding.

"Stop it Charlie! You might hurt it," Ellie objected. She was watching him with her arms folded.

"It isn't Charlie anymore! It's Charles!" At ten years old, Charles felt it was time people stopped using his baby name. He was a man now.

"I'm telling Nanny!" she said, and ran back toward the manor house.

He threw the stick into the bushes. Charles convinced himself that it was not because he was worried about being in trouble. A man ought to be brave about such things. It was because he knew Ellie was right. He did not want to hurt the animal. He just wanted to know what it was.

It was obviously some sort of horse from the sounds, but it would not be a normal horse. Uncle Mortimer only brought exotic animals for his private zoo. Perhaps it was one of those striped horses from Africa.

Charles tried to peer into the crate. Cracks of light glittered in the darkness, formed where the planks of the crate did not quite meet. The hooves shuffled again. A human eye appeared at the hole.

He gasped and backed away.

Ellie returned, leading Nanny by the hand. Nanny was a flurry of petticoats and dresses, with her shawl pulled tight to keep out the cold air.

"What is it Eleanor?" she asked the girl.

Ellie pointed accusingly at Charles, "He was poking the box!"

"Now then Charles, you don't want to go damaging your uncle's property. He won't be pleased."

"Sorry Nanny," he said. "But there's a man in..."

"Come, it's far too cold to be out and your lessons are soon." Nanny ushered the two children along the path.

Uncle Mortimer came striding out of the house, followed by a gathering of wealthy gentlemen and their wives. His guests looked less certain about going outdoors. Their smart suits and fashionable dresses were not designed for the chilly weather.

"Ah, what timing," he said. "Come children, this is not a sight to be missed!"

Nanny started to get her disapproving look. Charles would be going to bed without supper if she'd looked at him that way. Instead, she curtsied to Mortimer and directed the children to follow him.

"Quiet now," she whispered to them. "No disturbing him with your questions."

Charles decided against telling Uncle Mortimer about the man in the box. Mortimer Chambers was only concerned about looking good to the other gentlemen. He had invited the children to make him look as though he cared about them, but Charles knew better than that. He and Ellie were only welcome as long as they behaved themselves. If they showed him up, they would never be invited to see a new animal again.

The Spartan Kitty

Evil Editor ran a query writing practise. Everyone got a randomly selected plot and had to write the query. Somehow I ended up with:

Title: The Last Lion of Sparta

Plot: In the far-distant future, a genetically-engineered race of lion-human hybrids looks to the ancient world for inspiration in its battle against an insectile hive-mind.

Fate is obviously smiling on the eccentric. A science fiction plot! And a completely silly one at that. How synchronicitous is that?

My query synopsis is posted over on Evil Editor's blog. There minions can discuss whether the book should be written. Below is a copy of my synopsis for those with an allergy to link clicking...


The Last Lion of Sparta

Snowball is a typical Kitton, a genetically engineered race of lion-human hybrids. Her quiet life as a pigeon whisperer is thrown into turmoil as killer termites sweep across Earth. Snowball takes refuge in an abandoned library during a termite attack. There she discovers the ancient wisdom of 'Spartan Tactics for Dummies'. Armed with her new knowledge, she starts to train her pigeons as Spartan warriors.

The pigeons win some local battles, but Snowball wants to send the tactics out to other Kittons. She meets Tiggs, an expert in ancient forms of communication. Soon the Spartan-pigeon tactics are being broadcast across the world in Morse code - a language so primitive that the termites won't be able to understand it.

The plan works and pigeon squads are deployed everywhere. Just as it looks like the Kittons are gaining ground, spies bring word of a termite plot. The termites plan to ignite the atmosphere, killing all life on Earth. Snowball leads 300 pigeon warriors against the base housing the atmospheric igniter. Meanwhile, Tiggs and a group of dove ninja assassins try to track down the termite queen. The fate of everyone on Earth depends on them.

See more Kittons

The Snail Within the Writer

I'm just a link in the chain. My link is all about metaphorical writing snails. The previous link is Anything That Pays by Dawn Allcot. Part of my chainly duties is to write a blog based around something in Dawn's blog. The something I have chosen is:

"Success requires discipline, persistence, tenacity, and a healthy dose of self-esteem to keep you going during those down times. You have to realize that your work has value and you're worth every dollar you're making."

Value tends to be discussed in terms of self-esteem. It's assumed writers aren't sending things off because they lack self-esteem. My trouble has always been a little different and it's a problem I share with my pet snails.

I've heard it said that people with low self-esteem have 'the self-esteem of a snail'. Someone who keeps snails wouldn't say that, because snails have great self-esteem. They do their snaily stuff (mostly eating) and they don't have a care in the world. Snails also tend to wonder if that bird flying toward them wants to be friends, just before the bird eats them. Snails are not good at predicting what other people will do. My snails don't know why I sit and watch them. They're funny little guys, but they'll never know it.

My issue is that I'm too much of a snail. I don't have a problem in knowing what I do has value to me. I have good self-esteem from knowing I've done my best. I don't mind other people seeing it and I don't worry that they'll hate me. The problem comes in predicting what will be liked and what won't be. It is difficult to judge the value other people will place in your writing. An example would be my surprise when strangers started reading my blog.

I think at times, experienced writers take prediction for granted. Dawn makes a living as a freelance writer, so she's making reasonable guesses about what to sell where and how to write for different audiences. A new writer doesn't have much to go on. A list of fiction magazines will tell you the genres, but it won't tell you what kind of story they like. There's a big difference between a surreal arty piece of fantasy and a sword and sorcery adventure. You aren't going to get hard sci fi published by a magazine that only prints bizarre stuff.

The main advice given is to read what has been published, but this doesn't tell you everything. Fantasy Magazine has a lot of dark stories, but they point out in their guidelines that they don't get as many light stories as they'd like. The only way to know is to send a story and wait for the result.

My current way around this involves a little floral notebook I got for Christmas. I'm recording where my short stories go and what adventures they have. My stories are also a bit like snails, due to the time it takes for them to come back after I send them.

I'll be surprised if anything's accepted, but the great thing about being a snail is I won't be worrying when I'm rejected.

You shouldn't underestimate what snails can do either. We've had wild ones climb up to the windows on the second floor. Persistence and tenacity are things they have in abundance, much to the disappointment of fruit farmers.

How are other new writers handling the process of figuring out the markets? Do experienced writers have any adviceful tales about their journey through it all? Perhaps once my floral book is full, I could turn it into an epic tale in honour of Myrtle the Manuscript.

The next link in the chain is wfg thinks out loud. Want to meet the other chainy links? Here's the full list of blogs taking part, depicted lovingly as an ASCII necklace. I considered an ASCII slime trail, but it wouldn't have been that easy to draw.

o-- living my life all over again -O- Spontaneous Derivation -O- Jenn Hollowell: Working Writer -O- Peregrinas -O- Techtainment -O- Anything That Pays -O- Polenth's Quill -O- wfg thinks out loud -O- Twisted Fantasy -O- Spittin' (out words) Like a Llama -O- A Thoughtful Life -O- The Speakeasy -O- Virtual Wordsmith -O- The Writer's Round-About -O- My Copious Notes Blog -O- Tennessee Text Wrestling -O- Writings --G

Previous chains are here: awchain

Tales of Weirdness by Strange People

It's been a few mayfly years since my last review of short stories, so here are some interesting tales of the unknown. My comments are vague, as I don't want to spoil the stories. Even so, you might want to read the stories before my comments. That's up to you.


The Dark Side

The evil and icky side of short stories hides under the bed ready to eat you. Keep the mayfly nymphs away from these links. The stories may contain adult content and language, but nothing is that graphic. It's more creepy.

The Harrow has a mixture of horror and dark fantasy. They stay away from blood and gore horror, which suits me. I just don't find blood and gore scary. I liked the story 'Dig' (Maria Deira). It's an inventive idea and I didn't guess the ending. It appealed to the ecologist in me.

Behind the Wainscot isn't all dark or all light. It's a blogzine containing experimental fiction. 'Things I Counted Today' (Jonathan Wood) is a story told in the form of a list. A humble list of items it may be, but it has a plot and characterization.


The Light Side

Light doesn't mean funny, but it isn't dark. It's more like the happy mushroom instead of the zombie toadstool. Something like that.

Farrago's Wainscot is the crazy parent of Behind the Wainscot. One of their lighter tales is 'God Bless' (Nancy Jane Moore). I was curious enough about the story to Google the things mentioned. It's very short, so even the time disadvantaged can read it.

'The Snooted One: The Historicity of Origin' (Nisi Shawl) parodies the way academics write reports. It might be a bit weighty to get through for some people due to the language. The story shows how the culture of the report writer influences the language.


The Ants Start Invading

I did have cunning plans to include something from Fantasy and Science Fiction magazine, but I lost the pdf. My kingdom for being able to buy papery magazines printed on paper. They're not available in the local shops though, so digital files it is. Oh well.

If Bloggers Were Mushrooms

The Spores of an Idea

I love mushrooms. My artwork is full of happy mushrooms doing mushroomy stuff. Mostly that involves pulling funny faces and puffing out spores. Most teenagers go through angsty and dark phases during their secondary school (high school) years. I had a phase of drawing people as happy bouncy mushrooms. You can insert deep insights into what sort of teenager I was here.

So what do writing bloggers look like? Don't be deceived by the photographs they post... there's a mushroom in everyone. It seemed like mushrooming other bloggers was more fun than just putting up a boring link to them. People are more likely to click on a mushroom than a text link. That's my theory anyway and I'm sticking to it. Bring on the mushrooms!


Fungal Bloggers of a Professional Nature

	Evil Editor (Editor) - You wouldn't want to go to sleep near this mushroom. He'll slice your query letter with his razor sharp fangs. Also, he's evil.
	Nathan Bransford (Agent) - He's nice to people (hence being fuzzy) and makes jokes (hence being a puffball... what's more funny than a puffball?). The big eyes are from watching too much reality TV.
	Kristin Nelson (Agent) - You can only represent so many romance and chick lit authors before turning pink. But she's trying to change, hence the cybernetic eye. I'm not sure if cybernetic mushrooms are what Kristin meant by wanting more fantasy/sci fi, but I'd buy a book about them.

More Spores

Hopefully anyone who was mushroomed will take it in the spirit it was intended. I'm not sure what spirit that was, but it means I like your blog! I have some more mushrooms for blogs by writers, but I decided to split them into their own mushroom patch. Too many mushrooms in one post might lead to fungal wars (or make the post too long).

On the Fitting of Smoke Alarms

Act I - The Interrogation

About a month ago, the fire brigade came a calling. They wanted to ask searching questions about our fire escape plans (you'll find 'panic and run' isn't considered good enough). We scored really highly for fire safety. It's a real life version of those online quizzes. We even got a widget to keep! Sadly it wasn't a graphic for my website: it was two new smoke alarms. One was fitted downstairs and one upstairs. We didn't mind as our old smoke alarm was getting a bit worn. Mostly due to the fact we had to smack it every time someone burnt toast. The new alarms were shiny and new and didn't go off at toast burning. You would have thought this would be a happily ever after for the smoke alarms...


Interval - Not Enough Space

And now for your interval entertainment, it's important to know that I live in a rented family house. There isn't much space and the walls are thin. Two smoke alarms is a bit of an overkill. They'd both go off at the same time anyway and there's no way we wouldn't hear one of them. Our neighbours would hear it too. It also means that the landlords are responsible for repairs and upgrades.


Act II - Invasion of the Killer Light Roses

This week, the electrician came a calling. This was part of a routine refit of the rented houses. He had orders to refit the fuse box, light switches and light roses (if you don't know what a light rose is, I'll leave it to your imagination). When we looked at what had been done, we noticed the smoke alarm downstairs had a big brother. Big Brother is the ultra-shiny version. He's much bigger than the old alarms and he has a green light. He also can communicate with other smoke alarms in the house so that they all go off at once. Someone else in the family tried talking to it, but we aren't quite at the point of smoke alarms with A.I.

We did query this (the alarm being fitted, not the lack of A.I.), as we had new smoke alarms last month. Apparently, the fire brigade recommended these new fancy does-everything ones. To which we replied, "But the fire brigade fitted the last ones... a month ago". The electrician didn't know why either, but it's the end of the line for the first new smoke alarms. Once the second of their enhanced brethren has been fitted upstairs, it's curtains for the old alarms.


Epilogue - When Alarms Took Over the World

It's a typical case of bureaucracy. The houses all around us will have the same thing. Many innocent smoke alarms will be heading to the landfill. I'm hoping the A.I. version of the smoke alarms will be fitted next month. Do you think they'll be programmed to ask us questions about our fire escape plans? They'd better give me a website graphic to go with the results. The blog picture is a mock up of what I'd like (thanks goes to the smoke alarm models Big Brother and his ill-fated friend Landfill).

Garg Tuffle Tales

I was about to type that this would be my second blog post today. Then I realised it isn't. This is actually the next day. I've just not slept. I blame this strange cold I have. I'm not that sick, but I can't sleep either. Perhaps it's a mutant alien nanite colony intent on keeping me awake.

Anyway, I found the six word stories on Wired. Soon I was filling a page with random six word tales of sci-fi and fantasy. After some time I wrote the words:

Garg Tuffles invade Earth! Humans giggle.

What is a Garg Tuffle you ask? That's what I asked too. Somehow I've ended up with a whole series of Garg Tuffle tales, all told in six words. It'd make a nifty picture book for eccentric adults. Each page could have one story with a different interpretive picture of Gurg Tuffles! It'd never sell, but right now it almost sounds plausible. Once I've managed to sleep, I'll come back and read this post and think "Eh? What's a Garg Tuffle?"

The stories are below, lovingly crafted with tuffly goodness. If you'd like to tell me what you think Garg Tuffles would look like, I'd be interested in hearing. I certainly don't know.

• Garg Tuffles invade Earth! Humans giggle.
• Chef cooks Garg Tuffle. Chicken flavour.
• Garg Tuffle spots slime. Wuffles joyously.
• Earth’s riskiest hobby announced - Tuffle Tickling.
• What are Garg Tuffles? Debate continues.
• Global warming worsens. Garg Tuffles blamed.
• Garg Tuffle sleeps; hamster steals dinner.
• Aliens invade! Garg Tuffles eat well.
• Slug meets Garg Tuffle. Swaps slime.
• Statue unveiled. Garg Tuffles snurffle proudfully.
• Egg cracks. Thump. Baby Garg Tuffle!
• Hamster vanishes. Babysitter despairs. Crafty tuffling.
• Accident! Classmates laugh. Tuffling tearly wiffles.
• Garg Tuffle picnic. Classmate candy. Yum!
• Owner eaten. Ranch sold. Tuffles herd.

And that pretty much sums up what it feels like to suffer from sleep deprivation.

By the Light of the Moon - Book Review

I noticed this picture book because of the sparklie front cover, earning it the name 'that moon book'. I remembered it well enough to want to pick up a copy a few weeks later.

'By the Light of the Moon' is written by Sheridan Cain and illustrated by Gaby Hansen. And it's sparklie. That's always a plus point with me. I can't be sure if all editions have the glitter.

Story: Mother Mouse puts her baby to bed, only to find out that the farmer is about to plough the field. She goes in search of a safe bed for her baby. The story is told as prose. There are repeating plot elements, but there aren't any memorable repeated phrases. A child probably won't be joining in at the repeats.

Art: The art has a soft and peaceful feel. The animals are endearing and it is painted in pastel shades. The moon is glittery throughout the book.

Education Stuff: The book uses more advanced sentences and descriptions, such as simple metaphors. This is a nice language builder.

Overall: I liked this book. The artwork is striking and the story is well told. However, it lacks the bold colours, memorable phrases and quirky plot of many popular children's books. This book won't appeal to all children, but it could easily become a favourite among children who prefer pretty pastel artwork and cute animal stories. A younger child might struggle with some of the descriptive language.

Why Writing is like Chocolate

When I was younger, I watched a programme about expert chocolate tasters. They could smell the difference between two sorts of chocolate at thirty paces. The tiniest nibble would be enough to tell you where the chocolate was made. They also couldn't stand everyday chocolate. They'd become so expert in all things chocolate that they no longer enjoyed the very chocolate that got them interested.

Wandering around writing forums, you find the chocolate tasters of the writing world. They know all the grammar rules and all the things new writers are told. Don't use passive voice, show don't tell, don't kick kittens and so on. Rather than using these things as guidelines, they're enforced with an iron fist. There isn't a consideration of whether the use was justified or whether it worked. The next time you're trying to pretend you didn't blow up that nuclear power plant, you'll develop a whole new appreciation for passive voice.

Just like the chocolate tasters, some of these writers can't enjoy everyday writing anymore. Popular writers break too many rules. Literary classics don't hit the mark either, as they were written before the rules. Only a tiny slither of books qualify.

I'm sure this urge for perfection comes from a hope that it will help in getting published. Writing rules are one of those things you can obsess about when the rejections are coming in. The problem is that works of art are not perfect. The real world is not perfect. A completely symmetrical face looks wrong to us. We may not know why, but somewhere our mind realises that real faces are a little more lopsided.

That's not to say a basic understanding of grammar and writing rules is bad. Take lopsided faces too far and you end up with a cast of strange alien mutants. There has to be somewhere inbetween not knowing the rules and becoming obsessed with them. If you don't find a balance you'll end up like those chocolate tasters - all of your favourite books will no longer be good enough. You also run the risk of writing a novel that is technically flawless and as dull as dishwater.

2008 Goals, Citric Acid and the Birds

New year's resolutions aren't my thing. Mainly this is because they work best if you're killing yourself. The things in question being smoking, eating junk food all the time, heavy drinking, not exercising... and so on. My vices are things like drinking tea and buying small plastic horses. It's not exactly in the same league. Giving them up doesn't make me a better person or increase my life expectancy. It just doesn't compare.

Friend: "I'm going to give up smoking, as I don't want to get cancer."
Me: "I'm going to give up brushing my ponies' hair. I'll get back to you on the reason."

Giving up seemingly trivial things can also be unintentionally bad. I tried giving up citric acid for lent once. My friends even got me some malic acid based sweets for my birthday. They were bone shaped and came in a neon orange plastic coffin. I did it and I suppose it shows I have self-control, but I was getting cravings for citrus fruits after that. In giving up citric acid, I cut most of the vitamin C from my diet. Looking back, it was a silly idea. I was lucky it didn't do more harm. The plastic coffin might have been a bit too appropriate if I'd kept it up for long.

I'm much more into the idea of goals. A goal doesn't have to be something that kills you if you don't achieve it. It's just something that would be nice. Setting goals I'd do anyway also seems silly. I'm going to apply for jobs whether I set it as a goal or not.

So keeping myself to goals that I otherwise might not do, I've chosen a writing related one. My goal is to get a short story published. I've set some different levels of goals:

• Realistic Level - Get a short story published in a reputable magazine that pays. I think it's pretty realistic, as there seem to be about 100 odd in the right genre. Well, I say it's realistic. My fiction might read like last week's shopping list, but I have a year to improve. This week's shopping list was much more entertaining after all.
• Daydreaming Level - Get a short story published in a magazine recognised as a professional market by SFWA*. This hits two shiny birds with one stone**, as this makes a nice a credit for query letters to agents. The other shiny bird being the "Yay! My story got published!" bird.
• Totally Out-There Level - Get a short story published in Analog. The other two, I'd probably send out a MySpace bulletin to yay about it. I've never sent out a bulletin, but it'd seem like an announcement worthy of it. You can't call me a spammer after one bulletin (well... you could, but you'd look like a lemon). This one they'd need to revive me from the faint before I send the bulletin. They being the shiny birds, because I have to be conscious to throw the stones.

So there's my relatively simple goal for 2008. Does anyone else have a goal to share? Do you throw the metaphoric stones at birds or something else? Does anyone happen to be dating an editor at Analog? (Joking about the last one, unless you are...)

(*Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America)
(**No shiny birds will be harmed in achieving this goal)

On Book Shopping

I went on an after-Christmas book hunt... mostly to charity shops for those cheap and unusual second-hand books. My trusty assistant came with me (my dad). It was a few days back now, but I've been a bit busy reading for posting.

Before going I dutifully compiled a list of fantasy and science fiction to look for. Needless to say, I didn't find any of them. I did pick up a scattering of middle-grade novels and a really nice illustrated poetry book. I found cheap hardbacks of 'Murder at the Vicarage' (Agatha Christie) and 'Watership Down' (Richard Adams). It was amazing how few people were in the charity shops. I suppose they're all too busy returning presents and buying discounted kitchens.

I chose one sci-fi book that I'd never heard of. It was a toss up between two books. Book one needed to slap the synopsis writer with a herring. Every sentence had at least two wacky names in it. I'm sure it made more sense in the book, but a weary traveller looking for books can't parse "Jinod from Xhhh'ggg came to Fotpg only to discover the DDrrigo wanted him carn". I bet they did. The other book had a main character called Rick. It sounds like he blows stuff up. I chose that one.

Top books that every charity shop had: 'Bridget Jone's Diary' (Helen Fielding), 'The Jungle Book' (Rudyard Kipling) and 'The Da Vinci Code' (Dan Brown). I'm not sure what Kipling did to deserve it, but the other two are no surprise. This year's craze books are next year's charitable donations.

The trip wasn't devoid of shiny new books. I visited Waterstones to pick up a copy of 'The Gruffalo's Child'. Waterstones was amazingly empty too, considering all the discounted books they have in after Christmas. I suppose people just don't care about books at this time of year.

I've noticed there are a strange class of childless adults in the picture book section. They obviously want to buy a picture book. They equally obviously know nothing about picture books. They wander up and down looking confused. Sometimes they'll take one off the shelf and put it back, just as unsure about whether the book is good as they were before they picked it up. They're not browsing the books. They're trying to look like they are. I'm sure this comes from the fact that people assume choosing picture books is easy, because they're for children. This delusion holds until they're faced with a shelf full of brightly coloured books about everything under the sun. This is the moment of realisation that they should have decided what sort of picture book to get. After picking up a book and looking inside, they realise they have no idea what makes a good picture book. A few admit defeat and go and ask an assistant for help. I wonder how many picture book sales are from the adults who don't ask and pick one at random.

The other sort of childless adult in the section are ones like me, who pick up books and remark to their companion "Look at this one, it has sparkles inside!" or "Ooo, kittens!"

I had the worst sort of confused picture book buyer on this trip. Rather than wandering up and down, she stood still, directly in front of the book I wanted. Due to being invisible, I resorted to trying to edge as close to her as I could and lean over to the book. This was a feat as she was one of those ladies who bathes in perfume. I can cope with a bit of perfume, but at that concentration I start getting light-headed.

I earnt that picture book.

A tiger toy made us buy him in Woolworths. At this point we stopped being invisible as it's apparently unusual to walk around town with a large tiger. It caused a bit of merriment on the bus going home too. Maybe if I'd had the tiger earlier, people would have seen me in the book shop.

My parting advice would be, take a large fluffy toy with you when you go book shopping. It'll make getting to the book shelves much easier.